A Thousand Years - Christina Perri
I miss him.
And I just found out he has a Facebook. But he told me awhile ago he didn’t use it. I thought he didn’t have it. And I’m not going to do anything about it.
I wish he wasn’t gone from my life for the entirety of summer.
I wish we could keep in touch.
I thought I was okay, I thought that I had let go, but seeing his picture made me miss him so much.
I am still falling for him.
I am lustful and I don’t even care, it’s like, well, I like this. I like being bad and not always being the good girl. I am pursuing the wrong things and have shoved God to the side.
and I think it’s because I have just begun to believe God doesn’t have the best for me, so I’m going to decide for myself and go after what I want.
it’s sad and sick and wrong.
and I accept that.
I feel like the only way I’ll get back to Him is He’ll let something terrible and bad and painful happen to chase me back to Him.
I want Him to extragently show up and overwhelm me with a demonstration of how He loves me beyond what I could imagine, but I don’t think He will bother. Besides, I’m not exactly pleasing Him with what’s filling my heart and mind.
I just don’t feel safe or happy with Jesus anymore. I don’t. I haven’t lost my faith, I just know I’m in a bad place and don’t give a fuck.
I think about sex and making out and getting heated with another person. It’s like since I don’t do anything physically I just fantasize about it all the time. I give in.
I don’t even worship anymore and I only feel a little guilt because I just keep giving into my flesh and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how I’m doing because nobody cares or notices, so I just do whatever the fuck I please.